24

i saw a photo of an attractive man tonight. he had a few tattoos and for the first time ever, i wished to see someone with tattoos, without them.
i found them to be a bit distracting from his beauty.


this is getting older, isn't it?

it's go go go

When I'm asked what I do, while I'm up all night I never quite know what to say. Sometimes I'm just fighting sleep, like a sleepy child in the backseat of a long drive. Often I doze off for a few hours but once my eyes open around 6:39 AM, my mind starts to race.
"I think he owes me $20."
"Did I leave that light on? Or did one of my roommates come home?"
"I should shoot some slide film."
"I want to donate to this American Life. Will I get a free tote? I should check."
"How much is a slide projector? ...Ooh a slide scanner. Maybe I should get one of those."
"Well since I'm up, should I look at apartments?"
"Am I BECOMING MY MOTHER? I should call her. I know she's up. She's probably moving about in my little, barely lit, quiet apartment."
"Should I even bother going back to sleep..?"

I imagine her combing her hair and looking at her in the mirror. I miss her. I miss being little. I'll always miss looking up at my family members. Being so big doesn't feel so right sometimes.

That last one is usually the kicker. Then I start giving up on sleep and losing the battle to my restless mind. I'm supposed to go see a Rauschenburg exhibit. Hopefully to find some inspiration, but at least to see something beautiful. I could use that. I have to move at the end of the month. I'm terrified... kind of. I'm excited to be forced to get it together. I need to.

It was while reading the description for This American Life episode #234 that my mind stopped sleeping and began to pace the room on its own.

...including Michael Bernard Loggins, who tried to battle his fears by listing them. He ended up with a list 183 items long."

1. I am afraid of starting this list.