words i looked up today

[ethereal] adj. extremely delicate and light in a way that seems to perfect for this world
[ephemera] pl. noun things that exist or are used or enjoyed for a short time

someone is always losing

I dropped my bags on the floor of my bedroom when I waltzed in the door last night. I opened all (four) of my windows and pulled out my comforter. I haven't been able to sleep in days- either because I wasn't at home or because my blankets were too light. I forgot how much I love being completely wrapped up in weighted warmth. My mother has always teased me for my desire to be in hot heavy wool blankets, but there's a reason "security" prefaces blanket. I feel really good.

 Here are some things I want your eyes to enjoy:

(laundry day)

(my tool shed and clothing rack)

(my mom the hottie as me before me)

Remember kids, life is good. 

n c c

if i said the clicking
was calming
and that i wasn't a creep
would you bother to believe in me?

sometimes i'm a hippy

It feels good to let go. I went to a small school just north of the Bronx called Purchase. All of my best friends are from Purchase; the people I bump into on the street are from Purchase. Besides my family and the 4 people I know from high school, everyone I know, I met in college. It was pouring tonight, but I dragged myself out to Sugarland for a drag show, hosted by a queen I loved... from Purchase. I didn't want to go. I'd already ordered a steak and a glass of pinot noir and was considering settling in for the night but Margaret was listed as our personal guest of honor for the evening. When she didn't flake I applied my social Calamine lotion and decided I could not either. Seeing her alone was worth the umbrellas and cab rides alone. Then they mentioned the no-pants-free-drinks-rule. There is an element of nudity that I greatly miss about Purchase. There was a certain potentially-sexual-sexuality-free-freedom that existed in our young youth that was brilliant and can not be fabricated. There was such a thing as free love. Actually, I suppose it was $50,000 worth of free love but that's neither here nor there... But tonight when I held onto the banisters of the upstairs lounge in my skivvies and boots, I was happy. My friends were happy, the strangers were happy, and there was so my love in the air. the fan clicks and i am missing you/us now.

This was the second one:

[click to enlarge] When I made it I thought of Sable, whose affection towards rabbits is beyond me. I don't really care for their misconstrued personalities (most of them are evil!) but I enjoyed making this nonetheless. xx.

There is a moment before you swim where you remember to breathe
Or not to
But the air breaks,
and momentarily we make a decision.
I found that the other day when i opened up my computer. I typed it before I passed out. I wish I knew what I was referring to; I'm sure I was having thoughts of drowning again. I keep tying this knots in the noose around my life and telling myself I'll be fine. I need to pick a side. I've been itching for days. I wish this were a metaphor for having some strong desire to do something but alas, it is not. I've just been itching. The skin on my torso, from the center all the way around my right side has been inflamed and irritated. I laid restless and paranoid for three nights as a result and had to constantly ice myself in public. It made me shaky, and nervous- at some point I was laying awake thinking of what could've bit me... what could've been currently biting me at that moment. I realize now it was not nature but a change of detergent causing me all of this stress. I'm happy it's not the dreaded bed-bugs. I hear those are expensive to deal with and always make people think you're dirty. I woke up this morning and took some Benadryl before a coffee date. Upon my arrival, she asked me what was wrong and I told her I was delirious. That has been our greeting the last 4 times I've seen her. I'm working on ceasing this cycle of delirium but working all of these late nights that turn into early mornings is making it tough. How do I get out?

[click to enlarge]
I collaged a few postcards tonight. This was the first- the hand written words repeatedly say "Isolation" with the definition of "isolated" in a box to the right. The typeface reads "You will need a killing bottle. Experienced [people] use cyanide, but this is a very dangerous poison. Beginners may use a jar in which a wad of cotton is dampened with carbon tetrachloride or ethyl acetate."
Science books from the 1950/60's are really my favorite things right now. This is from a chapter entitled "Collecting Things Outside" from The Book of Knowledge Book 18. I've watched 5 movies tonight (The War of the Roses, We Don't Live Here Anymore, XX/XY, She's the One and Reality Bites... only the first and the last were any good but isn't that always the case?) I pray something makes my eyelids heavy. Sleep. I miss you.