woolgathering

so i'll sleep,

until i have another nightmare

then i'll laugh, 

until i cry

i'll run away, 

until i get to nowhere

try to live, 

until i die.

.xx.

beak, brine and dirt

what a harbinger of good fortune 

you have come to be

opened my window,

and still, you've only sat upon my sill.

 there was only time for one demonstrative caress 

•

to cleanse the sore, she advised

to rinse, with warm water and salt

eyes gazing up at the ceiling

head thrown back, gargling,

i saw your face over mine

and i spit

•

playing in the front lawn

of this, i have no recollection

i was never a child

only a small woman 

waiting to get big. 

.xx.

I had a dream about being in a very brightly lit version, of a very dark bar I know in my neighborhood. I put my hand behind my back and a shady character I know in real life but a very large bag of cocaine into it and disappeared. I chased after him and gave it back. He came to me again, did the same thing, and said "It's on me." As I looked around the room I noticed every one looked so filthy, playing with these bags of white, crystalized, death. In the dream it actually sparkled. When I noticed my purse vanished, as the crowd emptied into this white hallway, I ran after the group to find a young black and white couple trying to dig through it on the low, I pulled the straps and sheepishly begged them to let go. I fell backwards tugging, my chest collapsed and I was in my bed again. 

How does one get anxiety attacks in their sleep?

[it began with a dream]

This is a synopsis of the dream I awoke from at 3:56 A.M. I proceeded to stay up writing things until almost 9 A.M. I haven't edited grammatical errors; this was typed on my iphone Notes application.

I just died in a dream I had. Gun shot to to head. The assailant- Chris Brown. I was on vacation with some people, one of them being Tobie. We were supposed to leave the night before but have extended our stay just one more night. We are leaving a party and I part ways with her to go to another one. I don't know how I get to this basketball court, but here I am, surrounded by chris brown and his cohorts. One shot to the head. I am immediately out of my body. He stands over me and shows me his privates, let's a blunt and says "you know what I'm smoke this shit and blow the smoke out ma ass" and puts his exposed ass over my face. Out of body I wonder why there is no blood. I pick up my duffle bag and begin to walk off. I'm (the ghost of me is) back at the party. But I see chris b leaving the basketball court and he says something about continuing his night and how its going to be full of cocaine. He asks me to do that hood thing to him (which is a move where I pull of hood down over his eyes while he does a line, something in the dream I recall doing for will smith but not while he's doing coke I have no idea why I do this for w smith). I see the gopaul twins from high school. They are talking about my body being removed and how the woman said "NOoo!!" in that crying way when she pulled the sheet up. I say "goodbye world" with a smile on my face grab my bags and get into a limo.
The driver is my mom. I tell her to take me home and mentally don't quite get why she's crying because I'm so happy to be dead. I assume home is 21st but it's probably heaven. As we pull off and she is crying I only worry that she's going to get into an accident because she's so distraught and I then kind of wish I weren't dead.

I wake up, feel uncomfortable in my empty house and wish I weren't alone.

"To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or your life. You are undergoing a transitional phase and are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Although such a dream may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm as it is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation. You are desperately trying to escape from the demands of your daily life."
Dreammoods.com

freewrite #4

night-time. let's lie for a moment, under the porch lights.
inflamed irises, cornfields, you see:
"everything from where we stand,
to the cliffs over yonder, will be yours"
Did you hear? Did you hear?
The arthritic bones of kings past are cracking
whips and loading their guns! Running to reclaim!
What is theirs? What is there?

I heard the weasels come first. Sneaky bastards.
A warning unheeded, instead i asked you to rest with me for a moment.
You seemed so weary; i wanted the calls of crickets
to guide me to visions of cities in flames
Through the yellowing glow of the porch lamps
Everything is burning.

The snakes finally came to carry us under
i never did claim that territory
fore it was never mine. it was that moment
that belonged to me. the brittle bones
barged through like breached births-
Proclaiming Wars on surrendered soldiers
it must be turned around.

they can have it back- leave me here
with the glow, the warmth, the insects...
swallowed by the embers.

these words have nothing to do with each other. or me.

Can't tell the difference between what I want
What I get and what I can have.


Shattered like glass, falling off that pedestal
Shouldn't have gotten so high in the first place
And I shouldn't have let you slip.
Broken dolls where is your mother-facturer?
Who made you out of shit?

Effervescent. Charming.
I'm so sorry you had to see me this way
I know you and what you're thinking
And I am a lot prettier with the plague.
I'll never have those consistently rose red
Inflamed lips. Allow me to fill your vacant eyes
there's a new vision out on the rise.


death is on a tangent
am i the only one listening?
speaking in tongues
and i can see her inside yours.
i'll peel those lids off like foreskin
you'll see me before it's too late


"don't smile
in the dark, it's the only way they'll see you"
that's what she told me and i didn't forget it.
but it was only me and a mirror in there
i think that's how i lost your necklace
and tumbled down the flight of spiraling steps.

27 seemed like a good amount at the time.

Now. Where was I?
The other night I died in my dream. I witnessed someone get shot with this futuristic dart gun. When assailant realized what I'd witnessed he suddenly appeared before me, and promptly shot me in the neck with a heavy dosage of morphine. I looked back at my mother, reached for her, gasped deeply and woke up instantly, lungs full of the same air.

This morning when someone in my dream described the shooting they'd witnessed in front of their building, I saw the ocean of blood they mentioned and the crashing crimson waves. It was really disturbing. There were children playing at the crime scene and birds sipping up the fluids. At the end of the dream, I was on the floor with my mother, crying and telling her that I loved her more than anything in the world. I woke up with wet cheeks.

They say the subconscious doesn't lie, and I believe that much. But why don't I ever know what the fuck it's saying to me?

What is going on?