"it's the personality that really shines through"

so maybe I'm thinking this over too much but within 60 seconds of this speech, one woman mentally excuses herself to have a smoke. All of guests legs are crossed (as a physical sign of disinterest). Someone off screen disputes his theory, which he rebuttals with an MIT-speech reference... yet somehow I've found myself mentioning him time and time again because I think the Mystery method works. At least in reverse-




Is he the only sober person in the room? Maybe. Is he with 3 women and speaking about pawning other women off like objects? Maybe. ARE HIS NAILS POLISHED BLACK? (yes).


this man is a millionaire.

i did however, clean my room.

i almost prayed last night.



so i wonder what happens now-


that i decided against it.

tyler, you're the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

i'm not in every self-portrait i take, but i am. i didn't socialize enough this summer, so fall friends get ready we're going to chill hard. and do your make-up, i have a photo wall to fill with your wonderful faces.

II.
i am a server in a local casual dining restaurant. my least favorite question is, "so what do you do?" when i'm clearly at my job. it's so looked-down upon to be a waitress; people always assume that you're just doing it to get by as something else. what do i do besides stand next to tables and pour wine? i stand around in limbo thinking of what to do next. i disappoint. i astound. sometimes, i do nothing.

III.
My sister spoke of going back to school post-college and I laughed at her. I told her I never wanted to go back to school. I may have been in junior high school at the time. Now that I'm struggling to find some sort of professional direction, all i want to do is go hole myself up in a darkroom with professors to teach me important things, internship fairs and CAREER DEVELOPMENT CENTERS. College students are idiots for the most part- which would explain why so many of my cohorts ended up bartenders or servers, and subsequently, constantly under the influence of something. Yes, that's a nice way to say it, right?

freewrite over.

pictures of girls i took for

I witnessed the most incredible rain I've seen...




breathing into your shoulder
as you slept
i felt lucky to know your bones
well enough
to rest mine, weary, with them.

there was a moment, you took
to tell me
the words, now faint, are escaping me
but yes! me too!
agreeably, i always think so too.

i
always
think

so...

in 15 years
when we meet again,
i'll have found a chisel
promise me your hammer?


I usually don't leave work until I feel like everything is done. I don't know what made me stop by this table- they weren't mine. But once the tall, slender one added pepper, tobasco, and worchester sauce to her Corona, I took a seat and chatted for a while. I had her make me one. When I left the table, the flavors stung my lips and it made me think of her after each sip.

"I think 28 year-olds are the COMPLETELY compatible with 24 year-olds. It's perfect!"

I stopped to agree, told them of my age-ratio theory, and bought them a round of tequila shots. We prayed together on the second toast and talked of dry spells. Strangers. I entertained a group of girlfriends celebrating a birthday at a table close by. There was an energy about the room. We were all toasting and toasted, as we danced. I assisted the spiced Corona ladies in getting excitedly drunk and left work early. I didn't care as to whether or not anything was done.

It felt good to go.

My room smells of the cigar bar we went to. And leaving work without having landed in the bar down the street was beginning to feel impossible. Strangers- don't seem to stay that way long. Tonight was refreshing; something is coming to an end and I can't wait.

meow, bow wow.

so. it's 4:16 and I'm bound to see a little daylight, again. I'm watching Catdog because I haven't watched it since I was 12, when it was not a syndicated delight. There's some sort of bass streaming from my neighbor's place, but Steph isn't home so I dare not bother them. I've become quite accustomed to my lifestyle of sleeping until the afternoon, going to work and seeing the sun come up. The time before 2 P.M. seems so useless and foreign to me.
I'm beginning to see the temporary career path that I would like to take. It's a burgeoning feeling for me, and I like it. Whether or not I stick to it doesn't matter to me; I'm just pumped to have a goal. Many of my friends are artists, and I envy them for that. Though pursuing artistic endeavors does not seem to be the most prosperous/promising venture, it is a career destination- A goal which I am usually lacking.
When I was younger (and still today), my mother always said that my ability to appreciate and achieve various gifts and goals (respectively) would be my gift and my curse. Maybe she used more words, or less, but that's how I interpreted them.
Catdog is a show about a creature that is a cat on one end, and a dog on the other. Opposing forces trapped in one being is a rather intense, philosophical theory to impose upon preteens. Thankfully we don't have to worry about that now, with the advent of Miley Cyrus... or wait, is she Hannah Montana?

And they wonder what's wrong with our generation.

no mother ever dreams

This morning/afternoon, in my dream, it was Black Friday. I had thousands of dollars on me- at some point I was hiding it in my shoes. I walked out of a store and wrote with a teal green sharpie on the concrete, "There is more than recognition in a name." I don't know what my subconscious meant by it, but I like it. I was loaded. I liked that too.

2 P.M. seems to be my new wake up call. I sleep until I'm done. I sleep when I want to. There's a part of me that knows this stems back to childhood having my sleep regulated by someone else (mom/school). The other part of this comes from recklessness and seeing the sunrise 4 out of 7 nights in a week. But I figure I should live while I'm young- some day I will HAVE to sleep because no amount of caffeine will keep me standing and no amount of party juice will make me want to attend.

This summer has been excellence, but I'm ready for a little cool down. In temperature. In social climate. I love my new place, but I think I could've loved any new place. I come home and close my door. I constantly want to make things; it's pretty great. I leave my clothes on the floor. I hang my bras on the wall. I wake up and pay bills.


But I feel really free.