intentions to ease

"Birds are so free. They can be on land and up there." She's pointing to the sky with her cigarette and her eyes are barely focusing. This is not the first time I've seen her this way, and I know it won't be my last- but I recognize her point.

"That's why I keep feathers around me all the time; I envy their ability. I want to be that free." In that moment I was bound to the bar, my drunk friend sitting at it and the prospects of spending some time with the gentleman serving us.

Three of the six recessed lights of my room have shut themselves off and he asks if this is a normal thing. I explain that the prior tenant probably installed the lights from the original, singular light source- straining it's power source, causing this to happen. It's somewhere late in the night and he's watching me from my recliner. I pull my typewriter to my bed and begin to record a bit of our conversation onto a postcard. When I finish, I pin it to my wall. I can tell he's comfortable here and it almost feels like he's the first. I have no expectations; I feel really beautiful in front of him.  Actually, I've just felt really beautiful in general lately, which is probably how I landed myself in this moment at all.

.xx.

to resist is to piss in the wind

The problem with my work is that there is no stability. I have an elongated story to tell. I see things, I absorb them, and I want to tell the story again. I make the most immediate, organic art that I can. I collect because I see beauty in items and then I hope that I can make others see the beauty in those things as well. Everything I do is unfinished, and I hope it remains that way. I hope that I produce art that should be touched. I want everything to decay the way we do- art is not immortal.

 I’m listening to Incubus. I can remember that moment in high school when they became important to me. The only possibility of a straight boy in my school had their CD, along with Hole. It reduced my anxiety. I can remember putting my head onto my desk and just listening. I actually have a memory of waiting outside of their hotel, and Jared Leto coming out and asking who we were waiting for… Cameron Diaz came out soon after and I walked over to her and told her that the “cameras did her no justice.” I got dizzy when DJ Kilmore came down the street. This all happened. So did all of the safety pins, stalking, and floor sitting. Teenagers will sit anywhere.

The sun is beyond up. I’m not done. I’m never done. The glue is drying though. That’s a good thing. There’s a moment, in that room of The Olde that I remember him saying, “Incubus is good, but it sucks that his band is growing as instrumentalists as he is a stagnant song writer.” …in more words or less, this is certainly not a quote (yet, it’s true). But we are all growing at the rate of stagnation. Balance.

(this is a collage I constructed tonight. It's a D&G lookbook and a book entitled "How to be a Woman" published by Hallmark.)

(i stapled books to my floor. i'm an artist. it's inconvenient... being an artist and having books stapled to the MIDDLE of my floor.)

Time is passing. And I keep being reminded to breathe. 

xx.

(of COURSE i'm embarrassed of my interest in Incubus).