m v us


- Is a friend that I met through Anne. Jess and I were going to a Matt & Kim show in a empty building that was an old pizzeria in the depths of Brooklyn. I invited Anne and she invited me to meet her at her friend Mandy's apartment. The funny thing is, I didn't like Mandy because she was Anne's new best friend. I couldn't accept all of the time she was suddenly spending with Mandy. Then I met her. We danced too hard that night; I ripped my favorite (and brand new at the time) shiny pants from AA. Jess and I crashed at her place and ate Slim Jims.

- Let me live on her couch for a couple of months. We had only met once before I posted the bulletin about needed somewhere to crash during my internship at VICE (I wanted to cut the commute back). Her response was simple: I can't believe you didn't just ask me. Literally, I'd met the girl once. She also gave me keys.

- Lives on a what's mine is yours philosophy and always will. Except in a place like this, it results in people constantly taking and taking, with little or no reciprocation.

- Has been my rock at times when no one else knew how to be. (Sometimes all a lady needs is a quiet sesh, Dead Meadow, and Anytime cheeseburgers.)

- Is leaving.

It's funny, the idea of taking friendships for granted. It always blows my mind the first time one of my friends says I love you to me. It's more meaningful coming from a friend than a significant other. Friends don't tell you that they love you because they want to love your genitals (well I suppose some may, but I don't think mine really do). Friends tell you because they need to make sure you know. Plain and simple.

Last night, I called Mandy because I was having an emotional freak out and wandering around the Bedford Ave. area. As I contemplated walking to the G train to elongate my time outside rather than anxiously sitting at a train station, I dialed her number for directions. As soon as I heard her voice I started bawling. Too many things hit me at once.

I've been fantasizing about leaving NYC for quite sometime now. My junior year at Purchase, I thought about living in White Plains and working up there for a little while, to avoid this place. Yes, it's been this bad for that long. Anyway- Mandy is a big drop everything and run kind of person, and well... I'm just not. When I called her and she said she would be leaving for Florida the next day I knew things weren't going well... When she returned from her two week hitchhiking extravaganza she said she would be moving out the following weekend.

As I walked from Bedford to Lorimer to Graham to Judge, I cried because my ticket-out was leaving without me. She, for her own sanity, needs to drop everything, including me, and go.

But I will not be too far behind her.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving. This year I am thankful for the friends I love, the family I have, and the tomorrows I'm never promised but keep arriving day after day. Every morning is a fresh do-over.



I've just returned from my all too brief trip to Rochester. In a way, I'm not sure what to say, or where to start.

Upon exiting the plane, I could already see the smoke coming out of my mouth. The chill was pleasing, as I knew what I was on my way to find. Seeing Alysse, curbside at the airport, was wonderful. There's always an undeniably genuine feeling of excitement when you're being picked up from the airport.

The time passed too quickly and I don't think I got to see enough of the city. We went to Java's, knocked the socks off of Blue Room for karaoke night, played a challenging game of Blokus at Lux, and hit a few vintage shops. At Utter Clutter I made some pretty sweet purchases:

- The sheet music for "We Are The World" Written by Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie.
- Gold hoop earrings, one of which has two foxes on it, the other having two bulls on it.

Today we finished up our day by paying Ms. Jeana Bonacci a visit at her work place, Tap and Mallet. It's one of Rochester's fancier bars where the beers are pricey: $5-6. I experienced fried pickles for the first time! They were awesomeness, but almost made me wonder why so many things are fried. They sell beer to go at T&M, so I had Jeana seal my bill (which she had penned cute messages all over) into one of the bottles. With my final souvenir in tow, I headed back to the airport- after trying to sabotage my flight plans numerous times.

I feel like I learned something important about people on my trip to the Rock. People in NYC are tremendously full of shit. Everyone is here to become successful at something... you know what- I'll spare you my riotous rant.

I will say this, there are some very special people hiding away in Rochester; I'm thrilled to have just spent some time with them. When we went to Historical House Parts today, I purchased a skeleton key with a heart shaped hole. When I talked about my fascination with them, the saleswoman said,

"There's just something romantic about skeleton keys. It's as though when you use one, you're unlocking something magical."

The two drunk men in the seats in front of me, and the flight attendant who played coy with them instantly reminded me of what town I was headed back to and what door was closing behind me.

I'll be back.


that skyline is a joke without you.

I woke up around 12 PM today, which was later than I wanted to wake up, but earlier than I expected to actually do it. I laid in bed for quite some time, tinkering with blogs / watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, before I actually got up. Having these unbreakable plans with James was the motivation I needed to get moving. Before I could complete the tasks at hand, James alerted me that the Keith Haring exhibit that we were planning on seeing at the LIC Deitch Projects was not on view until Thursday. I don't know if that broke our plans to meet, but I didn't hear from him again-

Eh. No biggie- I had an errand or two to run anyway. When I felt myself being dragged back into the internet, I forced myself up and out the door. I rushed to Court Street in an attempt to get in and out of my bank before the sunset; I wanted to watch it at the Promenade. I arrived just on time to watch the oranges and purples of the skyline illuminate the Statue of Liberty. I looked at the skyline and recalled how I've always thought the buildings looked rather 1-dimensional at certain angles. At the time, I was standing in that certain spot.

I'd forgotten how much I love standing beneath the Manhattan Bridge. I've always liked feeling overwhelmed, small, and wondrous- (Hmm, reflected in my relationships? eek.) Witnessing the black waves of the ocean was calming. They moved like black satin curtains hiding the most seductive secrets within their folds. I began to understand why people jump over the barricades, on occasions of delusional desire.

oh, camera phone:


oh my way to nowhere

I've made this decision to go back to being the friend to people that I used to be- five years ago. This includes, but is not limited to, following through with plans.

A few nights ago I said that I would go see Eva play her band's second show at Piano's. I agreed to this before my shift at work grew from 10-3 to 10:30-7:30. On top of the increased hours, I slept for about 3 hours last night, all of it in the REM state.

By the end of the shift I was cranky, hungry, and looking forward to coming home and making some rice to have with garlic-y goodness olive oil sauce right on top. I had already made the decision that I wasn't going to attend the show, citing hunger and sleepiness as causes for absence. After plopping on the couch in my usual fashion, Josh ordered some Papa John's for us to share and my night was progressing as I expected.

"We go on at 10. I hope you can make it."

Simple. That's all the text said and I just kept trying to answer it.
"Sorry I can't make it..." It just didn't sound right. It didn't feel right either. She has done nothing to me that would merit me flaking out on her show for no reason and that's when I got off of my ass. With 40 minutes to get there, I booked it to the LES and made with moments to spare.

It felt incredibly good to not be letting someone down, for once in a long time. John was there and we chatted for a bit. I've noticed that though I have known him for 4 years now, we've had maybe a total of 4 conversations. I told him about my latest epiphanies, concerns and goals for myself. We left the show promptly and proceeded to walk across the Williamsburgh bridge and onward to Greenpoint.

I caught a bus back to my place from there... Well sort of to my place. I realized that the 43 bus doesn't go the same route from Greenpoint as it does going there. So, I had to walk from the dangerous streets of Bed-Stuy. I arrived safely and soundly to a house still containing Papa John's (and the couch) that I had deserted hours earlier.

I feel great. I'm going to take a B-12 before bed. You know, while I still have this food in my stomach. I don't want to be full of excuses. I don't want to let anyone down. I want to be motivated again. It's already in the works for me... Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Rubio- Something I promised to do over a month ago. Maybe next week I'll go get that bottle of wine from the Foo and take my clothes out of the locker too.

But for now-
Goodnight, moon.


funny thing.

I set this up because I felt like I needed to vent. I am always dampening the mood of the threesevs blog. Therefore I have created a new place to lay my complaints down to rest.
I'm tired. I just spent so much time putting this account together, that now I need a nap.
I'm constantly distracted by something and focusing on nothing. I want to create things at all times, but I never seem to get off of my ass and do anything. I waste my days away sleeping. As for my nights, if I'm not having a drink with friends, I'm probably having a drink with myself thinking about my lack of company.
Nothing like pushing people away and then wondering why the phone stopped ringing. I do this to myself. But I am convinced that time spent alone is better than time spent with people you don't actually like.


I thought I was done writing, but I suppose I am not. I would like to talk about Eva. Just for a moment. I really like her. Unlike most other couples, they don't make me jealous or upset, just happy. I enjoy being around them because they work rather well together and give me a bit of... hope? Maybe that's what that emotion is.

Last night Scott had a birthday get-together. I had a few heart to hearts with the lady of the hour, as I usually do when we are together. He makes wonderful friend choices. He actually has friends. I am envious of this. I do have friends, fantastic, amazing friends, don't get me wrong (Duh, he's one of them). I just don't know where they are sometimes. I think I may be impossible to satisfy and this scares me a bit. I want people to call me because I'm lonely, but then I'm too lazy to go do anything with them. I want things to come to me. And actually, I don't think that this is an unreasonable request. I am going to be selfish. Being selfless didn't get me too far. It got me Alex, haha.

This year for my birthday, I want to have one of those types of gatherings. Except I feel like my friends don't / won't like each other. I feel like my friendships have always existed in these non-mingling 'groups' and that no one really knows my complete personality. Except for like 5 people. I guess those are the people I will invite. This year I will not just fill the room with characters.

Or maybe I'm full of shit.

[end of edit]

Though I do wonder what my match would (will) be like. I will certainly not be finding him on Craig's List, but this does remind me that I have not checked Missed Connections (my latest 'favorite thing') since I arrived home. Please excuse me for a moment.

Nothing too spicy. I enjoy reading missed connections. I used scan them in hopes of finding one about me. I can't say that I wouldn't mind finding one penned with me in mind, I find pleasure in observing how socially inept everyone in New York City seems to be. If you really wanted to say hi to the girl in pink with the aviators on the B-line this morning, why didn't you just say hi? Chances are, she'll return the gesture. Even if she doesn't- you won't go home dwelling on her.

I can guarantee there are more fish in this vast sea.

Just keep swimming. just keep swimming...

in closing- i miss this face: