Made: A Mellow Mix

It seems I am going through this phase were anything I do that is remotely reminiscent of my past strikes me as pure nostalgia and prevokes the dormant emotions I once associated with the people, places or things I re-experience.

Before college ended, he made me these mix cds. I titled them in my itunes as
Name Made: _________, filling in the blank with the appropriate theme of the disc. I'd asked for them before I broke up with him, and asked him to follow through with the mixes once I did. I wanted to know what the thought of me, through music, while we were dating. Music was the only way I ever knew what he thought. He wasn't a creator; he was a listener. He was passionate about what he could not do. I saw myself in him this way.

It was months before I ever listened to any of them. I'm sure I was being cruel- abusing his time on purpose... but I can't really say what was going through my mind at the time. He loved me too much, too soon and I didn't know what to do with it. I certainly didn't know how to enjoy it. I never copied the summer mix to my computer; I lost it somewhere in my travels. I gave the hip-hop mix a few gos, but never quite stuck... but once a month the mellow mix creeps in.

He never gave me the playlist information, so I listen to these songs blindly- confident that every song will flow into the next as it's maker intended them to. I'm convinced he's telling me a story through every one's words but his own. I don't listen to them until Track 4.

night creature...
night creature...
when will you come home?

it coos to me. he speaks to me. It's been two years and every time I get the craving to hear that song, I have to look up the lyrics. When I see the band name, I remember who made the cds for me. I realize that, contrary to how naturally the cd flows, it has been masterfully crafted for my ears.

Track 06
My little woman causes me a lot of trouble sometimes
she worries me so bad i dont know what to do.
I take a walk, figured the rolling of my feet would come to ease my mind.
I just go away and wont know where I'm goin

i won't know where that i am goin to
cause she bugger me, she bugger me
man she'd bugger you

I'm with you in the morning baby
till the break of day
I know you won't take my heart
you tryin to make me go away

Track 20

make me laugh, you make me shiver
Isn’t that a fabulous scene?

this is when I start to hear him again.

I saw you in a daydream
Now I'm a jealous guy with aches babe
I lied to mom about that
You're dealing with a boy girl
And I'm stepping forward in pain
Come home now, freak me out

You make me laugh, you make me shiver
Isn’t that a fabulous scene?
Don’t be here now don’t be here anytime
I’m much wiser now, that’s how we walk

It ends this way.
I miss everything, late at night, when I'm alone.

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