In my room I have four windows. Three lining one wall, a single one on the adjacent side (it's times when I get to use the word adjacent that I'm happy to have paid attention, sub-consciously, in math). The cross breeze effect caused by this is so calming. I need that right now. To be calm. To think. Alone. I've been listening to nothing but Gang Gang Dance today and I feel full. I always seem to feel full of something. When the wind stops blowing I feel stagnant and hot again. My mind becomes so clouded and I stop writing.

I keep thinking of all of these oxymorons. Temporary permanence keeps coming up. I can't stop writing it on things. Thinking about it. The mental trap of being a mature child. I'm having one of those days where I feel really trapped in my own mind, not that it's a bad thing... I just want to stay home and use my hands. I'd like to come home to a clean room. I'd like to come home. I'd like to look at my bank account and not want to cry, panic or laugh. I'm in one of those wishing moods. But to the contrary I'll work instead.

My room convinces me that it's about 10˚ cooler than it is outside. When I really think about how I feel, I become very frustrated and on the verge of tears. The tears that well up rush to my head and I get that feeling of drowning again. It disorients me a bit and I stop.

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