the red-coat-ants are coming

(An imaginative look at my future as an annoying housewife on my husband’s one night out. Read as a text message.)

To my Big Baby Bear,

I know you’re out with your friends, drinking beers and “shooting the shit,” but I already miss you. I’ve just had a nightmare and wish that you were home. When I got up to go to the bathroom, I put on a towel and realized that I probably should treat myself to one of those robes I’ve seen at Target. Maybe a silk one, as it is summer… but I suppose one of those plush terrycloth ones might be nice too. I always have enjoyed feeling cozy, not that I’m dropping any hints- I’ll get it myself. Well anyway, when I got into the bathroom I noticed an ant. It was not crawling into the trap near the candles. Disappointed I looked to the trap at my right and lo! They were running in and out as though it was the Blackout of 2011 and it was time to loot the Raid. When I say they were bringing home the proverbial bacon to unknowingly kill their entire families and friends, I mean it. I stooped down to watch but then I realized that it was gross and that I should probably report the news to you. I wondered what action might be happening in the kitchen traps, but decided not to look. In hindsight, I realized I should’ve looked when I got my water. Drats! I should check it out now. No-no, I’ll wait until you get home. It’s 3:53 A.M. Are you coming home soon? Maybe grab me a little ice cream, thanks. I’ll wait up- Maybe rum raisin tonight. Haagen-Daz.

Your little text machine

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