i was never convinced when i told you where i lived

I have never really experienced the type of headache one receives as a result of sobbing for, literally, an entire day. Until today. The moment I walked into my future apartment, that sunken chest short-breath feeling arose from my inner gallows. The first round of crying was dedicated to running. Running away from problems, running to them, wanting to actually go for a run... Future roommate James and I went for a walk. I talked about my aches for NY, how I didn't want to quit trying but how tired I was of making my life really hard. Because that's really what I've been doing to myself- making my life as difficult as possible. Constantly testing what I'm capable of.

I walked down to the canals and called my mom for a chat. I haven't felt so honest and relieved in a really really long time. What I enjoy most about life is sharing it with other people. When I sit on the water's edge and smell the salt of the sea on a cool November night, I want to you know those pleasures too. Here, I've no one really truly special to experience these things with. I want my mother to know what this is like. Living in LA, albeit lovely, has felt mostly like living alone in a castle. I want you to see this too.

I thought about the holidays. Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, Mommy's bday / New Years... I cried about the idea of being alone for them. I am not that person. I am not going any further by myself. When I called my sister, I told her that I needed to come home. I can go no longer without a hand to hold on this journey. I like to imagine this as the part of the circus act where the trapeze artist tumbles on to her faithful net. Though it saddens me to fall, it's pretty amazing to have a family to catch me. I guess they did promise me that when I left.

After college, I skipped the part where I was miserable, living at home, saving up money for a place. I decided I couldn't go back there, I couldn't separate from my friends, who had really become my family. I didn't want to stop partying. I didn't want supervision. I certainly did not want help. Today felt like what I imagine Born Again Christians feel when they rediscover God and ask to be welcomed back into His... arms? Except it wasn't God, it was my mom, my sisters, friends, and NY.

LA, I'm done here (just in time for winter, ugh). No regrets.

P.S. While talking to my mom I said, "excuse my French" before saying, "my life out here is complete shit."