things were perfect.

in my city
in the mountains
the hills run high
and the reservoirs
will sink you deep.
it was there that i found you
once
alone
with your sow and your seed.
should've pulled you up to me
because now i need you
to meet me
in the city by the stream.

we'll rebuild the mountains
rehatch the eggs
relive the lives
of the yet unborn
we shall make anew
of all that was never done

slip into the valleys
to swim in the sea
in a steady forward moving motion
reclaiming what is
and what will not be.

now you ask
"who are we?"
Oh my love, for we
are the queen and king
of the city in the mountains
i once built in my sleep.

there's an old Carol King song, which Hole covered during their Unplugged set, called "He Hit Me." It's a straining ballad about domestic abuse and, through her eyes, it's disorienting beauty. The lyrics are as follows:
He hit me and it felt like a kiss
He hit me but it didn't hurt me
He couldn't stand to hear me say
That I'd been with someone new
And when I told him I had been untrue
He hit me and it felt like a kiss
He hit me and I knew he loved me
Cause if he didn't care for me
I could have never made him mad
He hit me and I was glad
Baby won't you stay...
He hit me and it felt like a kiss
He hit me and I knew I loved him
Cause when he took me in his arms
With all the tenderness there is
He hit me and he made me feel
Baby won't you stay...

I can't say I relate to it. But there's something about it that I just get.

a general statement.

let's get serious here.

I woke up this morning to find that my boyfriend was newly listed as "single" on facebook. news. to. me. the reasoning behind this separation is a long story that i'm not going to divulge on this here blog, but in hindsight this is hilarious. I got broken up with on the internet!

i am completely unreliable. i think that might be the honest truth. i'm telling you this because i'll never tell you in real life. i'm the only person that can count on me; and even then, i let me down. but i'm not often disappointed in me; i know that i do things the way i should. i am the only one that can make the best decisions for me.

maybe i meant unpredictable.

i will not apologize to you, unless it is prompted.
i do not seek revenge.
i will not let you make me cry.
(unless you read my journal)
keep up with me.
i want to go out to to dinner 2-3 times a week.

to cure my moody blues, i got a new tattoo. i walked in a mascara-tear-blurred, bike-chain-grease-mess and left feeling like me again. it says "home" and maybe i'll tell you what it means when i feel like i've found mine.

until i fix me
i will consume

speaking of consumption, hello:




fuck it. we're young. let's spend money.

run on

[stop being crazy] I was just thinking, and, I'm really sorry for all the times i didn't call to tell you happy birthday sometimes it's on purpose because i think it doesn't matter sometimes it's because i actually forgot i do that every once in a while i forget i'm a machine but i am human i need space and alone time and i get sad / when i get really angry i don't talk about it right away i'll probably wait five days and then maybe you'll ask me what's wrong and even then maybe i'll tell you but no promises i will study my feelings over and over again until i think i know exactly what they are by that time it's always too late but some how i think that everything happens as it should when it should it is not predetermined but it is not a mistake those don't exist simply unexpected changes.