All I want is to be in my bed. Right now. Not riding on a bus, with a relentless sinus headache. I want to be sitting on the new couch Jess and I stumbled upon (she spotted it, but hell if I didn't take her to the store). I need to get my feelings in order. I probably need to get some feelings. I know I'm a sympathetic person but I think I'm missing the ability to conjure up... Sexual sympathy? Empathy?

Here's something I wrote over brunch with myself the other day. Slightly personal, but what isn't?

My mind is completely racing and I don't have my journal so I can't write a thing down. Called my mom today- someone tried to break in. I'm worried and mad at her for not- I don't even know what I'm mad at her for. I just want so much better for her. She wont accept help but has no way to really provide for herself. Name. Name. Names. My "love life" is stagnant and circular. The lunch I'm getting is too expensive and won't satisfy me. Im cutting and dying my hair tomorrow morning. I have spring fever. 

My lunch was actually delicious. Somewhere around the time it arrived I decided to start recording the room. The sounds are so cluttered- I feel very relaxed. I don't want to go to work today. I want to go visit people and wander the streets the way normal people do on Saturday's. Find a flea market; find a find (catch me a catch!). I don't want to be loveless again this summer. I want a companion- Yeah I miss him. 

The loud church outside his bedroom window. The long talks about our lives, our futures, our present-days. I miss looking at his body and him seeing mine, without attraction or sexuality, but just comfort. I miss the comfort. That's what I most enjoyed about being with him. Though it's a characteristic not unique to him, he didn't try to figure me out or see through my thick skin bullshit. He just let me be, as I tried to do for him. 

When people say his name there's always some sting to the statement or sharp taste to the tone, but whatever it is, it makes me smile. 

Lunch is almost over. I have finish up this wine and walk back home. I'm going to keep thinking the entire way there. That full moon did a number on me. It always seems to have it's way with my heart.


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