semi permanent

people from home keep asking what it's like. It's really difficult. Self-induced insomnia keeps me up awake, dreaming, as they are at home dreaming the real thing.
No one was surprised when I said I was leaving. Makes me wonder if they knew I would run, or if they thought I was in pursuit. Most of the days I've spent immobile on a bed without a goal or personal mission. It's hot outside. Without money, I feel like I have nowhere to go and then it's nightfall all over again and my day is gone. Everyday feels like a semi permanent vacation. I know it's not.
I think to myself a lot. My phone rings, but it's no one I want to talk to. I don't call very many people because not too much is happening. I hate the question, "What's up?"
[blood salty]
I go out on weekends because it makes me feel like my life is normal. That it can be normal here, that it is not the miserable picture I keep painting. I cannot figure out which one is the truth.
I left my bedroom door open because not even the cats are awake to try to creep in. I contemplate what I'm going to watch to coo me to sleep, but I already know: Golden Girls.
The taste of the water here... I can't describe what it is, but what it is not is New York City tap. I'm pleased to know it was marketed as the best tasting tap water in the country. Another thought where I can not separate the fact from fiction, but I am sure of which one I believe.

Most of the time, it's just me and my peach tea. I want to be standing next to you with my arm around your waist and yours over my shoulder, talking shit and laughing. I want to be back in time, 10 minutes late for my flight with more time to think. I want to wake up tomorrow with a purpose.


  1. nyc tap or california tap is marketed as best? i hear nyc tap is one of the best, but that just makes everything else in the world seem so disappointing. kinda like how nyc is the best city in the world. been there, done that! am i right?!

  2. oh Pinar, i love you. and NYC tap water.

  3. I'm beginning to believe that purposes find you, rather than you it.
    That being said, discomfort is often the best way to put yourself in its path.
    There isn't any such thing as normal, I don't think. Only regular. Don't be regular, Jones. It don't suit you.